My last goodbye swim in the cliff pool near my house did not go down like I wanted it to. I was angry and upset.
A few days prior, I had sent all of my belongings to Queensland. Now, all I had to do was finish tidying up and give access to the cleaners.
I walked into my flat on Friday only to find my flatmate still had all his belongings in his room. He known about the cleaner’s appointment for the last 10 days. I don’t want to go into describing his behavior over the last six months, but lets just say I had kept my cool for a very very long time.
This time I got angry. I’d reached my limit. I left a bunch of messages on his phone to find out what was going on, where was he, and why hadn’t me let me know he hadn’t moved his stuff.
The cleaners cleaned what they could and left his bedroom. He turned up eventually.
It’s interesting when trust falls apart. Your brain goes into emergency protection mode and from then on you assume the worst.
Will he clean the room at all? Will he leave some big furniture in there because he didn’t have space in his new place or because he just couldn’t get it together? Will I have to organize someone to help put his stuff out of the flat before the last day of lease, so I don’t lose my bond? Will he go to the effort of manually steam cleaning his bedroom?
He followed through. Got his furniture out. And cleaned the room. I think he steam cleaned his carpet, but am not entirely sure. I wonder if he would have followed through if I hadn’t been on his case.
So, Friday mid afternoon I was tired, cranky and he still had stuff in his room. I went for a swim to calm down.
It wasn’t how I wanted to say goodbye to the area.
I had wanted to sit in silent prayer, to say goodbye to my old self. To thank the past for the lessons, to thank my previous self for her grace under pressure. I wanted to symbolically close the door of being very ill in that flat.
Instead I spent it angry, thinking of all the slights from the last 6 months, and how much time I had wasted chasing him over money and cleaning.
I didn’t want to tell you all this. In fact, the first version I wrote of this blog post it was as if I didn’t even have a flatmate. But it felt wrong to leave it out. I don’t like talking about people in a negative way. But I wanted to tell the truth and not pretend my life is perfect.
Life is not always pretty and sometimes we just have to make the best of a bad situation.
I had found him through a flatmate internet site. I am not in the age group where I can easily find an available friend or acquaintance to move in. It’s way too expensive to rent a place just for one in Coogee.
I am a firm believer in only letting people who are solid into my inner circle or sanctum. The need to fill the room quickly, not pay double rent and the short interview process means that your inner sanctum, where you live, has no appropriate barrier.
US or THEM Camp
My friend Jo believes there are two types of people. There is the US camp, and the THEM camp. US respects boundaries, has manners and treats the world right. THEM camp have got a whole lot of agendas going on that usurp their good manners and ethics. Sometimes it is their issues playing out on a grand scale, and they have little idea of their behavior, seeing it through the prism of their issue. Or very simply, they have lower standards and ethics. They don’t see a problem with how they treat the world. Regardless – they are a THEM. I like this approach. It’s simple. It’s clean. Are they an US or a THEM?
When I moved to the eastern suburbs of Sydney back in 2002, it was a lot more run down. Sleepier. Easier. With a wider variety of people. All the fringe dwellers, hippies and artists have now left. It’s gone a bit too mono-culture for my liking. Prices decimated a community and changed the face of a suburb. A rubbishy 2 bedroom flat that desperately needs renovating in Coogee can go for over a million dollars. Once it is renovated it will go for a cool $1.6 M.
I want the best life I can give myself.
Coogee wasn’t working for me. It had become too expensive. Yet, I wanted to finish my big project (which you’ll here more about down the track) before moving. The project was taking longer than I wanted. Much longer. My brain was starting to fry a bit with all the work. I swear I could smell smoke on some days. But I was committed.
Then my flatmate gave notice.
I had the choice of getting in a new flatmate again. Or pulling up roots and going for it. I chose to keep looking for a flatmate. But it felt bad. Wrong somehow. Not in tune with who I am.
So I ballet pivoted on the spot.
On a sunny pavement halfway between Bondi Beach and Coogee.
Right then and right there.
The idea appealed to me. My brain was fried anyway so I needed some time off from my project. I needed headspace.
And so I decided. Just like that.
It felt powerful. And so right.
I woke up the next morning and still felt the same. I quickly sent off written notice to my real estate agent before I started second guessing myself.
You may be interested in my article How To Rise Regardless No Matter What or The Radical Move That Changed My Friendship Circle.
The internal groaning before the big decision was so weighed down. Each thought felt heavy, like dragging my feet, but in my mind. I felt trapped. The pathway I was on – finding another flatmate, finishing the project – wasn’t working any more.
This decision felt fantastic.
It felt strong and clean and powerful. I wanted all of this so much.
Do you know what it feels like to feel powerful about your life?
It’s the best feeling in the world.
There were two ingredients to the decision for me.
First, was that I trusted myself. That I could make this work. I had faith in myself.
Second, I knew what I was moving towards.
If you are only making a decision to get out of a bad situation, then I applaud you. That is absolutely fantastic! But a fear based decision (ie I hate this job) only gets you so far. That is a moving away goal . You also need a moving towards goal, and a goal that comes from a place of love and light. A goal that fills your soul with happiness at the thought.
Mine was to move up north, to be near my brother, his wife and four gorgeous nephews. To find someone where cheaper to live. And get a place with a backyard and a dog.
Also, if you don’t having your moving towards goal clearly in your mind, it will be very hard to get up the courage to actually make the change. You’ll become indecisive, and stay stuck. You need to know your WHY. The WHY you are moving towards.
I lost a day to doubt the other day. I spent the entire day walking around doubting the decisions I made. It was about the website. It was about the path I was on. It was about a lot of things. And a day of doubt can be a good thing. It gets you to question your life. It’s an important part of fine tuning your decisions, or pivoting on the spot and going off in a direction that is 90 degrees to which you originally thought.
However, for me it was more of a fear based doubt. And what I mean by that is it is doubt that grew based on my fears to accomplish it or pull things off. It wasn’t productive doubt.
With productive doubt you assess the lay of the land with a solution focused mindset. There still may be fear, but it is a healthy amount of fear that allows good risk assessment. Due to my training and believe in myself I realized pretty quickly what was happening. And dove into trust and commitment to myself.
I had to get out of the flatmate sharing Coogee BS cycle. I decided that no matter what happens next, whether it goes well or badly I will not regret my decision to leave Coogee. There’s big freedom in doing that. Making a choice to have no regrets. Then you are facing forward with arms wide open. Running to your future. Breathing with gusto.
Do you feel powerful and in control of your life? What could you do to feel this way?
Do you trust your higher wisdom? Do you know how to follow through on that feeling and make it a reality?
Do you have a good moving towards goal?
Are you feeling heavy, stuck, weighed down? How could you change that around?